


Backyard Barbeque

by ChocoToasties



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Comedy, Friendship, Insults, Noir gets baked, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Poor Life Choices, Roasting, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 10:00:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18333716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChocoToasties/pseuds/ChocoToasties
Summary: During a Spidey-Fam hang out in Aunt May's backyard, Reader is challenged to a roast off. Hilarity ensues.





	Backyard Barbeque

   It was a beautiful, normal day in Aunt May’s backyard. At least, as normal as you can get with seven spider-people having a roast off. The current battle was between [Name] vs. Miles, and sadly Miles was losing miserably. The force of [Name]’s roasting was so strong, that when she laid down her hand to deal the final insulting blow, he flew across the yard. There was an acute silence, followed by cheers of exaltation for the victor. [Name] stood, crossing her arms and shaking her head.

    “I told you, Miles, you wouldn’t want any of this.” she admonished. “I’ll roast you so hard that your children will be born crispy. Now, is there anyone else willing to challenge the champ? Be warned, I won’t go as easy on y’all since you’re older.”

    A bundle of black rose above the gathering of spider-people. The normally reclusive Spiderman-Noir, who was silently observing the roast battle as everyone instigated, wanted to take a shot out of it.

    “I’ll take a crack at it,” Noir stated. “I’m sure I’ve heard worse than anything you can conjure up.”

   “You underestimate my creativity.” [Name] countered. “However, if you want me to bake you so badly, I’ll make it happen.”

   Ham decided to interject before things could get too out of hand. “Whoa, there guys! The battle hasn’t even started and you’re already talking trash.”

   Everyone looked at Ham in disbelief. To think that the personification of cartoon chaos would try to mediate a situation.

   “Looks like you’ll be needing a referee to keep things from boiling over, so I’ll take the honor of mediating. I’ll also be taking bets!”

   That sounded more like him.

   The bets were taken. Noir and [Name] readied their stances. Since Noir was the challenger, he got to start the match.

   “You sure you wanna do this detective?” [Name] asked. “You can still drop out before things get nasty.”

   “I’m not one to back down from a fight I started, doll. But if you wanna talk about something nasty, I’ll start with that squeak you call a voice.”

    

Two Rounds Later

 

   The battle was gruesome. [Name] was well-versed in the art of insults, and one would think that a gentleman like Noir would stand no chance. Yet, behind that stoic demeanor, is a man that can throw shade darker than his coat. He was the analytical type who could make a mundane trait seem significant, turn it into an insult of someone’s character, and deliver it so nonchalantly that one wouldn’t immediately feel the effects. [Name], used a similar approach, but with more enthusiasm and directness. It seemed like an even match. However, all things must come to an end.

    “I’m impressed with your roasting skills detective, but I don’t think you will be able to withstand my last attack!”

    “What makes you think I won’t stand this one?”

    “I’ve been focusing on more abstract ideas, when I should have just utilized the basic principles to defeat you. Now prepare yourself, for a humiliating defeat!”

    “Bring it on then.”

   “Boi if you don’t sit yo angular beanpole, Humphrey Bogart, head-ass somewhere. Looking like a Detective Mr. Magoo with those bifocals. Harry Potter called, he wants his glasses back. Or should I say binoculars? You look like a monochromatic version of Milo Thatch. I know you live in the time of silent films but that doesn’t mean you gotta look like one! Wait guys, y'all don’t need to ask where’s Waldo, cause I found him! He already has an outdated sweater and mega lenses. Switch the dusty fedora for a beanie and we got a winner!”

   Noir was pushed to the ground by the weight of the last comment on his signature fedora, making [Name] the winner. The spider-people cheered, but stopped when they began to notice that Noir wasn’t moving from his position on the ground. As someone from the Depression, Noir has a tough skin, but no one, absolutely no one had the nerve to insult his hat. He loved even more than the rubix cube that he spent weeks solving. So when [Name] came for his prized accessory he was dazed.

    (Name) walked to Noir to help him up. “Are you okay? I hope I didn’t go too far with roasting your clothes.”

   “Not really. I barely know half of the references you used.”

   “Even when I called your fedora dusty? I’ll take it back.”

   “Okay, that comment on my hat left me bent, but I’ll manage.”

   “I can make you an egg cream if it’ll help you feel better.”

   “I’ll take you up on that offer.”

   “Well, at least no harm was done! Who’s next?”

   Ham jumped at the opportunity of seeing [Name]’s roasting prowess. He raised 🅱️eter’s hand as a volunteer. “Roast Big Guy next!”

   “How do you have a dad bod when you’re not a dad?” (Name) asked without skipping a beat.

   Peter 🅱️., wanting to avoid any more comments on his dad bod, tried to change the subject. “Whoo, this was fun and all, but I think that we should do something else. Why don’t we go in the house and watch-”

   “Too late, I’ve already gotten started. Boi if you don’t get yo-”

 

THE END


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